Sometimes I'm just too bouncy...

I'm in Year 3 at primary school. I'm in the Juniors now... I'm not supposed to ever ask to leave class for the toilet any more... Our bladders should be made of steel apparently, I think this rule is ridiculous.

We're learning to write 'joined-up'. Last year we were the first year to do the Year 2 SATs pilot. I was in an extra class for the "gifted and talented" pupils in the class... Handwriting went towards the level so we were taught to join up...

I enjoyed joining-up in pencil.

But now I'm in the Juniors and I've been given a pen... And apparently I'm not managing very well with it... My teacher wants to teach the whole class to do joining-up... So I'm told to stop joining-up my way and do it his way... It's difficult and I can't read what I've written.

I'm often told not to rock on my chair... Apparently I'll fall backwards and crack my head on the floor, or a table, or something. I've been rocking on my chair, I've been shuffling on my chair... We're meant to be quiet... We're writing something (22 years later I'm not sure what exactly is was we were writing) but my teacher has had enough of my rocking and fidgeting, and my talking, and fussing, and general exuberance. And I'm going to have to do without my chair for the rest of the lesson. If I can't learn to sit still I can see what it's like with no chair at all...

Everyone else still has their chair...

I try not to cry, to not be totally embarrassed, but I am, I'm flushed and angry, and I really was not rocking on my chair just to annoy the teacher.

I try writing while standing up and but I'm taller than every other girl in the class.. And I'm taller than the 6 boys as well.... I'm the tallest and I'm trying to stand at a desk and carry on working and everyone is looking at me.

Tall and chair-less...

I decide that I'll have to crouch I tuck one leg under the other and I spend the rest of the lesson balanced... I am now definitely being defiant... All I can think of is annoying the teacher because he embarrassed me. So I'm determined to balance AND do my work... Balancing and being able to write become the most important two tasks in the world... And I think that the teacher should know that I'm perfectly okay WITHOUT my chair... And so I tell him so... Not a good idea... He's more exasperated than ever and even though I get my chair back, eventually however, it's clear that I'm just too bouncy.

Later on I'm in Year 6... My parents are good friends with the teacher of the parallel class and her husband (he and my father were colleagues.)

I'm now the tallest girl in the school, I still talk too much, I still have too many opinions, I still shuffle about on my chair and don't finish my work. But still seem to learn everything I need to... Other than correct spelling, punctuation and handwriting. I have yet to finish a whole book from the reading library... (In the whole school year, I read two books, eventually)

It's Christmas, I'm at school late a lot for rehearsals and events... The night of the Carol Service, it's late (past 9) and I'm still going strong, I've played my flute, I've played my recorder, I've sung, we're all standing around... Mum, Dad, Jackie (the teacher) and John (her husband) and I am involved in the adults' conversation and I am being polite, but voicing my opinions and (for some moments of peace for my parents) I'm sent to fetch some mince pies.

I return to the circle and Jackie says (because it's the end of term, and they are all teachers and teachers work crazy hours)
"Aleks, I don't know what you're on, but I think we could all do with some!"

I'm 10... I am not entirely sure what she means, but I'm pretty certain that she wouldn't... I seem to elicit an "Oh no, 'too much Aleks'" response from most adults and even though they think I don't understand I'm like an over-wound spring, I totally do, I just can't do anything about it.

This morning I arranged to meet a friend, someone I've known for years online, but have never met in person. We meet at 10... I have a coffee and then something to eat and another coffee.... For the two and a half hours I talk almost nonstop... I talk with my hands, I draw invisible diagrams on the table with my fingers and I'm vaguely aware that I'm jiggling my own legs occasionally. But I'm engaged and the time flies by, and soon we're walking down the high street, and hugging, and saying "Goodbye" and "We must do this again soon."

I do some shopping and come home and still have buckets of energy... And I realise I need to pace myself.

Today is my first day working for myself. Not to make money or to become famous. But to be able to balance out the requirements of my work, with the requirements of my own life and wellbeing.

Now I'm 30, I can go to the toilet when I wish, if I want to rock on my chair, I can, no one is going to mark my handwriting. As long as I harm no one else I can, within the shape of my Friday every week, work towards my own goals and objectives. And I'm overwhelmed and I'm so bouncy... I am occasionally 'too much Aleks' even for myself. But it's good harness-able bounce... Energy that, if I spend it wisely, can make a difference in the world.

So I'll try, and even if I can't change the world it will make a world of difference to me.

Day Eight- Why it takes so long...

So I sort of rushed into my plans, even AFTER I wrote so much about why I start and fail to continue on Day One. I am still thrilled with the direction I'm headed in and the plans are definitely still amazing, but I should always learn to cut myself some slack! I have been continuing with my pledge to worry less.. and I have had a few nights of brilliant sleep and many moments carefree joy spent with friends and family. But the gremlins are sneaky and they crept up on me a few times and a couple of times have succeeded in derailing the best of my plans over the last seven days. I am also definitely achieving and making sure I celebrate each step no matter how small or insignificant they look to others, it took thousands of years for the Niagara Falls to eat into the rock bit by little bit and look at them now!


Even with the derailments though, the fable says slow and steady wins the race and so if I have to think tortoise and be tortoise, that is how it will have to be.

When I first found out that New Unity were planning a month of cultivation I was a little confused… It sounded like a fabulous idea but I pondered a little about whether such an idea was really all that helpful. Surely if we needed to change stuff we’d- just do it, on our own, with no prompting. (I am laughing so hard at the ridiculousness of that last sentence I may need medical attention!) Of course it isn’t that easy… There are many HUNDREDS of stories where persistence pays off, it’s OLD wisdom, really, really old… and in todays fast paced life (apparently that’s old too… modernity of every era always feels faster than before ;) ) we say it a lot, but we rarely take heed. I often have no idea what the journey is that I have started upon until I am way along the road and even though I have along with many others set aside these 30 days to explore my practice… well this is just a chapter on a journey I started a while ago and a road I am still travelling and because it may help others I’m going to tell a little of the story here for you.

A little part of our home...

In spring/summer 2010 when the government changed and austerity began to creep into the public services and the grip tightened on the purse strings I was let go from my amazing, but basically temporary job. It had been a great job, my boss had been kind, I had been very reasonably paid considering my experience and it had allowed me to get back on my feet after a really difficult time personally and career wise. At some point that summer my parents suggested that maybe my brother would move in as my lodger and we could share the responsibility for housework and bills. He was HORRIFIED… He’s a minimalist… throws pretty much everything away and I am a chronic hoarder… my home at some times has been a few weeks of illness away from appearing on one of those dreadful Channel 4 shows! Well this prompted me searching the internet for anything that would help two twenty-somethings mutually keep house without injury and/or arrest being used on either/both parties. And so searching the internet, like one does, I came across a website that has literally changed my life forever… www.flylady.net…I even blogged about it in that previous blog I sometimes mention… and I read with interest and I acted upon what I read slow and steady. (Edd never moved into my house though :) )

Going back a moment, to the planning for the focus on cultivation, there was a request around the time of planning for this project for people to share things they thought useful and I shared the testimonial Marla Ciley (aka The FLYlady) herself shares about her own cultivation project, what prompted it, how it progressed and how it ultimately led her to be doing work every day that she loves.

Anyway I will not go through my entire story or even tell you how the FLYlady system works… because she does a fine job of that herself.

But I will tell you a little of how it has changed my life.

1. I now know how to get out of the mess I sometimes find myself in- I just pare everything back to the basics, asking myself... What am I already doing?… What can I piggyback onto those things to make life a little easier?
2. I am much more gentle with myself- I do less screaming and crying when things go wrong these days, I still get frustrated beyond belief, but it isn't quite as intense and it’s much shorter lived.
3. I have a group of amazing friends all over the world that I never expected to find, and they are my constant encouragement and blessing.
4. It’s sometimes okay to think of yourself as a part responsible adult, part little kid who wants to go outside and play…. It’s also very important to be firm with, as well as nice to, the little kid part of yourself!
5. Every day/month/year gets a little better- not all at once… in fact I haven’t even reached the point where I can smoothly navigate every habit I’d like to keep just to be able to get to and from my bed every day! But Christmases are joyful if not perfect and I find so much more time to appreciate things than I used to.
6. I rediscovered my spirit, and my spirituality- maybe a whole other blog for another day!
7. I feel generally much less abnormal about the state of my home… I grew up with the phrase “Everyone else’s *insert room/area/whole house* aren't like this” being repeated, in various insidious and confidence shattering guises, that I’d often feel so overwhelmed by getting started I just wouldn't. Why bother when you can never measure up?! Well NOT ANY MORE! (I still struggle with this, but I smile and keep going)
8. I know it’s okay to be a little obsessive about things… it can be a great motivator, but I must keep it in check and remember to REST!
9. I discovered the joy of writing again, because I discovered the joy of reading again and was really inspired by some of the things I read that I wanted to share my experiences too
10. Finally it’s “Progress not Perfection”... that’s what it’s about, there would be NO life WITHOUT living… the moving along is part of the joy of it… there is no final state or final answer within life…. nothing is perfect because nothing ever stops… I am still working to let perfectionism go…(see point 7) it’s probably going to be my lifetimes work, but I’m absolutely okay with that.

You’ll see that most of what I have noticed has changed is almost nothing to do with housework… (if you skipped going to look at the FLYlady website you'll have read this entire blog and wondered where housework came into it at all!) you see that’s mainly because those parts don’t really matter so much because the thing to really do is Finally Love Yourself.

Cultivating thoughts... Day One

Those of you who have been with me from the beginning in what seems like another life and was indeed another blog... May remember that I like actions. I like actions very much... Doing stuff is where it's at as far as I'm concerned.

I've tried many things/hobbies/pursuits over the last 30 years... I play recorder, flute, piano, ukulele, act, (can't dance have tried doesn't prevent me treading the boards anyway), poi spinning, card making, sketching, painting, colouring, pastels (oil and chalk!), cooking, baking, website design, desktop publishing, loom knitting, cross stitch, candle making etc... etc... etc...

I've joined choirs, bands, societies, clubs, churches, teams... I've given up meat and chocolate (never try to start both concurrently) given up the later with the temptation of a lovely chocolate cake and then given up former with trying to live with my carnivorous father's attempts at vegetarian cooking as I became bored with cheese sauce a'la frozen veg and got a little too thin.

All in all I am a great starter... And if pushed (or I enjoy it) I'll stick at something. But the dead blogs of the past are, unfortunately, testament to why I find giving up easier than sustaining something long term. I did teach myself to ride my bike without stabilisers in a concerted effort one afternoon aged 10 and aged 19 I read an entire book about writing HTML cover to cover, even the dedication, but most of the websites I designed never made it past the file structure of my C drive and I haven’t ridden a bike in years.

However, with a little persuasion, I've been encouraged to take up a challenge this month to coincide with the month of Ramadan by the team at New Unity in London. Rather than the idea of denial and self sacrifice I have often associated with Lenten rituals, I've been reminded how important it is to CULTIVATE FOR GROWTH... Read about the idea here and Andy Pakula's message here.

Aside- Saturday I ate a really rather sour and tiny strawberry from a three year old plant... It was dreadful... It was a lucky strawberry to exist at all, but I haven't tended that pot in ages and the compost therein is certainly spent.

And so I thought upon what I would like to cultivate in myself. And if #WeBecomeWhatWeDo all in all I decided like to be less bothered by stuff.

I'd like to worry less and achieve more.

This seems simple enough and if I were of a stronger, more tough and decisive persuasion that statement alone would be enough and I could get on with my life... Although if that were the case I'd most likely not worry so much in the first place and there is the rub.

So I realised I needed to work out a practice, which is going to support my new found position. And looking back over the past history of abandoned projects this one had to be easy enough to do, not take up too much time, and it needed to give me the sense of satisfaction of a job well done that means I'll stick with it for the duration and not fade out part way through.

What I have realised is that I actually achieve loads, but I am really terrible at recognising and celebrating stuff I do make things happen and I am also chronically inclined to defer doing something, either until the very last opportunity, or just abandon an idea completely and in the process letting people down or carrying a large amount of guilt around afterwards for no discernable good reason. That sort of pattern doesn't leave much time for celebration or satisfaction.

I decided early on in considering this cultivation that I like writing… I’ve been enjoying putting this blog together for the last few hours and I’m still enjoying it, but I'm excited by the idea just now and I realise I couldn't possibly do this every day! There are also many projects like #100happydays or the post three positive things to your Facebook page for a week... which I have been nominated to do and ignored... I only got half way through the lovely Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project before I had become overwhelmed by all the ideas I'd thought of to try out!

So inspiration struck me that when I'm stuck at something I draw a diagram. I have a love affair with A3 paper and felt tipped pens... and I treat these diagrams with the utmost respect.

• Bimonthly at work I draw out a new one to highlight any up coming projects or important dates to my colleagues and pin it up on the wall by my desk.
• If I am listening to a lecture or trying to learn a new set of instructions to work a particular computer system in my job I doodle my way to understanding with page after page of colourful hand written notes and pictures which I use as a visual reference later on and eventually fix in my mind so I no longer have to read them and can navigate my way clear when I revisit a topic.

A very famous gentleman has the copyright on one form of creating these diagrams, but honestly I think I knew about creating them long before I ever read a book about the process... I'm naturally inclined to connect stuff in that way.

So I stayed at my desk a little while longer after work today and started writing/drawing until I became distracted and couldn't think of another thing to put down without having to work too hard to draw it out of my brain... and I felt better for having "downloaded" my thoughts.

So this project book was picked up after work today... I cracked out my new tin of pens!

I drew it a nice cover!

and I took some time to make a quick copy of the earlier prototype thought web from the afternoon.

A blurry Day One!

The plan is to draw a different one each day... the first one is stuff that was floating around in my head come a Monday afternoon in one of the busiest periods of my life so far! But there are other things I'd like to explore that allow me step that bit closer to cultivating the kind attitude which allows me to just get on and do stuff. So the first one is called Aleks' Brain and I didn't mind sharing it but I can't promise that they will all be public access!

I will however make an effort to share an associated photo... but the point of the book is it's real and it's offline... it's physically sitting in my conservatory begging to be played with!

The pens are good too! :)