I got married a few weekends ago. August 23rd 2014 will forever be the date I signed the marriage register of my church along with my best friend ever, witnessed by our siblings.
The whole ceremony was framed beautifully by our friends and really was a true celebration of the most heartfelt love between myself and my now husband... Back to love later...
I was an unnaturally calm bride. I don't mean I was cool as a cucumber and everything was closely under control... I mean I was calm with the help of additional chemicals. Namely the antidepressants I've been taking recently... I still enjoyed the wedding but the medication by it's very natural shrinks everything by at least a little.
I sang as I walked into the church and down the aisle... People who heard me were surprised... I must have nerves of steel. It's not true... It's the only way it wasn't going to be obvious that I was anxious... It gave me something to be anxious about... It wasn't a surprise to the assembled congregation if I didn't look up from my bouquet during the procession... That was just because I was singing. I used the same tricks when I was standing out the front... They were an audience I was a performer... Look up towards the back of the room and smile... No one will think you're not engaging. Other than that I kept my eyes firmly affixed to the beautiful face of my beloved. A few individuals received a glance and a smile.
I was shocked by the heartfelt response of our friends and family to our wedding. We had made it genuinely about us... As all wedding celebrations should be... We generally weren't swayed by tradition or the voices of people who said there was a way we should be doing things. And at the end, everyone who was involved said it was very us.
I struggle with being unique. I don't like to conform, but when my self esteem is crippling low and I just want to be "normal" I often find myself compromising my true wishes for the fleeting comfort which comes from something which seems unlike me, but will win me favour with someone else. In the end with my wedding I let a few of those things by... I had my hair and nails and makeup done... People thought I looked beautiful... In the photos I can hardly believe that it is indeed me. I would have been as happy if I had done my own hair and makeup, but it didn't seem like I was sacrificing anything if I let others do these things for me as a gift.
Sometimes though I wish I had the ability to choose for myself more... And be okay when others judge my decisions.
So I need to learn to love and value my own thoughts and feelings... When I suppress them it only serves to break my heart a little and when I am learning that I am so loved by others I would do well to accept that and love myself more.
